Motoring writer for the Sunday Times, London
(Jeremy has probably the most recognisable face and voice for motor car marketing and general commentary in Europe)

Dear Jeremy,

We would like you to come and visit our Stormhoek winery in Wellington, South Africa.
I know that you have just been to South Africa and you hated the wine you had here but I think you should give this country another chance.

It’ll be hard to match Jaguar’s budget to fly you, and dozens of your mates here. But I’m sure we can find a car load of leggy models to bring your keys and jacket. You gave our city accolades for its weather, light and mountains but you didn’t have a word for the girls. It would be most surprising if Jaguar didn’t surround you with helpful young things. The last time I saw Le Mans on television, it looked like a casting set for Baywatch.

We don’t think our tanks are very big. Mario Julies can get inside about half of them if he has to. The rest are too small. Jeremy Clarkson will have to tell us if he thinks that they are ‘huge’.

You only mention visiting one winery in South Africa, where you saw huge steel vats, pressure gauges (surely you realized later that these were temperature gauges, as cars generally have both of these) and the wine tasted like ‘the outlet from Sellafield’.

Well, I haven’t been to Sellafield or tasted whatever leaves there, but I’ll bet our wine tastes better. And you couldn’t call our tanks huge but I’ll let you be the judge.

If we have to match Jaguar’s deal, we will have to start saving soon, so please don’t delay your reply.

Graham Knox